Schoolwork confessions

So, summer is here. Almost here. Whatever you choose. Some schools are already closed, others will soon.

Me? Being homeschooled is strange to me still. I feel like I'm in a permanent summer vacation. I'm not done with my school year yet. I'm actually far behind. Far enough behind that my dad is considering sending me to public school in the fall if I don't get it done by then.

And the thing is, I'm not sure if I can get it all done by then. And I really don't want to go to a public school. I switched to homeschooling to get away from that.

I don't mind school. I really don't. But when it comes to public schools, there's just too much work to do with too little time, and it's the people I mind. And when it comes to homeschooling, I just can't concentrate. Too many people cooped up, making a noise.

That, and I can't get motivated to do anything but play games. Even games are boring after five minutes, to be honest. But I need to do something, and some games I play to keep myself busy, even though I can't really concentrate on it.

I know that I should try talking to my parents about this. I have tried. They just assume it's from all the noise that I can't concentrate, and can't do very well. But I get too scared to tell them that I can't do the work not necessarily because of the noise, but sometimes because I just can't do it.

My schoolwork passes through my thoughts several times through the day, especially late at night. I keep telling myself that I'll do some work every time it does, but I never do anything, or if I do it's maybe a lesson or two. Not much.


But another problem is the schoolwork itself. Take English, for example. Right now I'm stuck with learning stuff about Shakespeare's era of time (and will be reading Hamlet later on) I don't find it interesting. It's plenty confusing, and even though it's easy enough to memorize what I need to know, I can't do it. Same goes for history.

Then there's Bible (this is a Christian-based homeschool program) Much like English and history, I can memorize what I need to know (and use the Bible where I need to memorize verses) but it's slightly harder because they ask questions that require answers I can't really give. They'd be easy to answer, but I can never seem to find the words to put it down as. And also because the schoolwork is trying to encourage me to find some job in the church or something along those lines, and I am not interested in that whatsoever.

Math. I'm doing pre-calculus. This is the subject that I am furthest behind, only barely behind Physics. These two subjects are horrible for me. Whereas the other three only really require memorization, I have to work out problems here.

And that would be fine if I understood anything. The lessons they give are awful. They give one or two pitiful examples without really explaining how they got the answer and expect you to figure it out. So I'm stuck with trying to find something on the internet to help me.

Yes, my mom tells me to ask my older brother for help if I need it (she's no good at math, which is why I can't ask her) And I tell her I will if I need it, but I don't. All he does is direct me to the internet as well. In the end I have to work it out myself anyways.

So maybe school would be helpful for those two subjects. Maybe, depending on the teacher. Some are helpful, others are not.


I have no idea what my point here is. I just feel really bad because my schoolwork is so far behind, and I need to vent out my frustrations of it somewhere, otherwise I'll end up crying about it, and if I do that then my family will bug me and make me feel worse.

I hate being so far behind. I hate the fact that I could've been done with this months ago. I hate that I can't get the motivation to do anything. And I especially hate that I don't know how to fix this.

Maybe it's because nothing ever changes and I'm stuck in a boring daily routine that I can't change. Maybe it's because there's something wrong with me (who knows? My little brother has a learning disability of some sort, and my mom said that a lot of kids don't realize that they have one until high school, so maybe I do too...though I'm leaning towards depression being my main problem) Maybe it's really only because of the noise. I don't really know, but I just can't do the schoolwork.

The worst part? My parents know that I'm months behind in my schoolwork, depending on which subject you're looking at. What they don't know is that I don't expect to get it done with "good" grades (their idea of good grades from me specifically is straight A's, which is something I'm not capable of doing, I don't care what they say) That's another thing that's preventing me from doing work. They think I'm perfect. But I'm not, and I never will be. But everytime I try telling them that, they don't want to listen.