From being sick to donuts to Vocaloid...

     So, I've finally gotten sick. I say 'finally' because normally I get a cold or at least a sore throat somewhere in October or November. But about a week ago I finally got a cold. Of course, somehow it went away within two days. I think. I'm sick again. Been naseous for the past three days. Can't really eat much without feeling sick, but today I at least kept down the food I ate.
     I can't eat toast. My mom's always telling us that if we're sick, we need to drink Ginger Ale/Canady Dry (not that we have any at this moment, so I'm stuck with water) and eat toast, Jell-O, and I think she mentioned somewhere before something about rice. Anyways, due to me eating dry toast for an entire day a few years ago because I couldn't eat anything else, I've gotten very sick of it, and while I can still stand the smell of it and eat it with butter on it and cheese, I can't eat it dry. And because my mom also says to avoid dairy products when we're sick, I can't have butter or cheese on it. So while I did have a slice of it yesterday, I'm not entirely sure how I managed to eat all of it. Or how it stayed down for so long...
     I've also been getting less sleep than normal. Which is probably to say just as much as normal. I wake up every two hours and feel like throwing up, but nothing happens. And yet somehow I'm still as energized today as I am any other day. Though it may help that I've been lying around in bed more than anything because doing anything else makes me feel naseous all over. And the smell of onions downstairs...I really don't like that.
     Yesterday we bought donuts. I got to pick mine out, but I still haven't eaten it. Probably stale by now, but still fine. Well, unless my little brother steals it (which isn't completely unlikely, considering how if you mention the word 'donut' in another room while he's asleep, he'll hear it and wake up and be right by you in a few seconds, that's how crazy he is over the stuff...and the donuts were his replacement birthday cake...) I also got a Milky Way chocolate. And today a Hershey's Air Delight. Haven't opened either yet, and probably won't open the Hershey's for a long time. I just don't like Hershey's chocolate. Probably because I'm too used to eating other chocolates like Cadbury's or some other better brand...and because we still have s'mores every now and then in the summer, and no matter how little Hershey's chocolate I put on it, it always seems like too much.
     Not sure where I'm going with all this. I think I'm just skipping around from one topic to another because I don't entirely feel 'awake'. Doomsday was supposed to be yesterday. And while the world didn't end or anything, there was the usual 'doomsday' yelling and fighting here at home. And the only good thing about being sick is that I actually had an actual excuse to sit in my room all day, instead of just wanting to sit here. That, and my nose is working perfectly fine. Somehow. I'm beginning to think that whatever sets of my allergies and makes me sneeze about fifty times a week (when it gets bad, anyways) is cancelled out when I get sick, and whatever is making me sick is somehow actually helping me. Not that I like it overall. I'd rather stick with a stuffy/runny nose and keep a box of tissues next to my bed.
     I've also been listening to next to no music for the past few days. And that's only strange because I normally listen to at least about five or six hours a day, if not way more. But since my earbuds broke a while back and I can't find the same kind anywhere (I can't stand the ones that go directly in your ear, even though I actually have a pair like that, because they always fall out and for whatever reason they make my ears itch) I've been using headphones. Or whatever you call the kind that have the band wrapping around your head. I actually prefer the ones that are like that except without the band and just have little hooks to go on your ears, but after having a few pairs break way too easily I'm sticking with what I have now. Actually, the headphones are pretty good quality, I think. Pretty good sound, and they've lasted for more than two years, I think, (awful with time...) though some of that might be helped because I bought them when I was still using those other kinds and rather got into the earbuds and put the headphones away for an emergency. And of course when the first of the two earbuds broke and I started using the second one, I forgot to replace my earbuds immediately. So now I'm just using my headphones. And while it has many advantages (don't need to wear a hat to protect my ears, among other things) it's also bad because I can't lie down and listen to music. I've never been the type of person to be able to lie on my back or stomach. I'm always on my side. And since I don't want the headphones to break, I don't wear them when I'm lying down. And since I've been lying down for most of the time, I haven't been able to listen to much. But at least I'm beginning to feel better now, even if it is only a little bit, so now I can at least listen to some music.
     And because I'm talking of music now, let me share some songs with you. First up would be eTeRNiTY by a Vocaloid called Oliver. For those who don't know what Vocaloids are, they're vocal androids. Not real people. And Oliver is one of the English ones, seeing as how many of them are actually Japanese, though there are a few Vocaloids in other languages as well. And while I normally don't like the English Vocaloids because of how bad they sound to me (probably from listening to way too much other music) this is one of the rather good ones. Maybe not entirely understandable in terms of pronunciation, but then most songs sung by actual people I don't understand entirely the first time either. But it's very catchy for me, and a lot of the time it's stuck in my head. So far it's the best song I've found. Followed by I Won't Let You Cry. I actually understand more of eTeRNiTY, but I Won't Let You Cry isn't that bad compared to other songs I've heard.
     Well, I was going to put a mini series of Vocaloid songs called Synchronicity here, since the third installment finally came out a few days ago, but after seeing the PV and the translation...I'm going to have to think about the entire story all over...it's a very detailed and pretty complex series.
     So, instead I'll put mErcy Yes, it's Japanese. So if you don't like listening to other language songs, don't bother. I'm not so familiar with Miki as a Vocaloid (not to be confused with Miku) but I found this song a few weeks back. It's the first song by Miki that I've listened to, and so far I'm impressed. Most Vocaloids I can clearly hear aren't humans. Not in the actual pronunciation, since there's almost always going to be cut off syllables in most Vocaloid songs, but in the actual tone of the voice. Gumi and IA sound pretty real too, but I think I'm beginning to like Miki more and more. And the funny thing is that Miki's avatar is portrayed a 'non-human' Vocaloid, made out of synthetic material, as compared to a lot of the other Vocaloids, who's avatars are supposed to be actual humans (not based off of real humans, just not androids or anything) And while the actual song itself isn't very 'happy', I do like the calming music and vocals before about 3:23. Not much of a fan of the actual music after that, but because I like the song so much I don't mind it so much.
     And because I was listening to this earlier and have it stuck in my head...again...here's Enclosure. Out of all the Vocaloids, I'm pretty sure that Len and Rin are my favorites. And this song...I listen to it, and suddenly I can't think straight about anything else because it just sounds amazing. At least it does with headphones. Not sure how it sounds with the computer speakers. And while some people might argue and say that Len sounds too much like a girl, I don't really care. In this song, they sound amazing. And because I never really pay attention to the English lyrics for most songs and only vaguely remember what the ones for these are, I can't really say much on that. All I know is that I really like this song.
     I could actually put up a lot more songs, but I think I'd rather stop here. Not only do I need to go and try to eat something again, I think that there are quite a few people who wouldn't really want to hear Japanese music. But hey, I don't mind it.

Thirteen Reasons Why

     So I read a book a week or two ago. Not surprising there for me since I read a lot of books, but this particular book has really stuck itself in my head. It's called Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher. I found out about the book when I saw on Wikipedia that Selena Gomez is to be cast as Hannah Baker in the film (sort of a fan of her, but I was more crazy over her a few months ago than I am now) But when I found out, I didn't really think much of it other than it sounds interesting. I kind of forgot about Selena and Thirteen Reasons why, until about a month or so ago I remembered about the book. Then I went to the library to see if they have it, more specifically the online library, and they did, so I got it after a small wait.
     Now, there are very few books that I read and feel compelled to read all the way through in one sitting. Very few books that have a pull that will keep me up all night to read just to get the book done. In fact, in the past few months, I've only found a few books like this. But this book, Thirteen Reasons Why, is definitely the book that had the most 'pull' to it. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop. I started reading somewhere in the evening and stopped at about 3 AM because I needed sleep otherwise I'd wake up way too late, then continued reading when I woke up and actually had a chance to read it again. I had the book entirely read within 24 hours with very many distractions.
     The book is about a girl, Hannah Baker, that killed herself. Before she did that, she recorded thirteen reasons for her suicide on seven cassette tapes, each reason revolving around a particular person. Each reason contains a story where something happened to her, where the person who it's about might not have realized that they had any effect on Hannah. These tapes pass from one person to another, from the thirteen people they're about anyways, and they all have to listen to the stories and then pass it on to the next person, otherwise a second set of tapes that she had recorded would be sent out to the public. And that would mean public embarrasment for some of those people, while others would face time in jail for what they did.
     I won't go further than that, because I'd just spoil the whole story. But it's one story that will never leave me. I'm not sure if the reason why I like the book so much is because it kind of reassures me that I'm not that depressed yet, or because it reassures me that no matter how alone I seem at times, there's always someone out there to help. Or if it's just another reason entirely. But my point is, it's stuck in my head. That happens with most of the books I read, but normally I forget a lot of details after a while if it's the first time I've read it. But I can still remember most of the details from the book, even if I can't remember the exact words used to describe them.
     I'm not sure why I wrote this post. If I hoped to get the book out of my mind for a while to read the book I'm currently trying to read, I failed. Now it's more stuck in my head than ever. If I just wanted to get out something about my feelings for the book, I think I succeeded. Maybe I just wanted an actual reason to think about the book again, or just wanted a distraction. I'm not entirely sure. But writing this is making me rethink some of the things about the book. Well, not rethink them as in changing my mind about things, but rather thinking about some things again in an attempt to understand them better.
     Not sure where I'd go from there, so I guess I'll just say again that Thirteen Reasons Why is a good book. It's debatable to me whether I should call it 'great' or not, since it's about a girl that comitted suicide and not actually a very 'happy' book, but it is addicting. So...go and read it maybe?

Holiday Time

     So, I have been sitting for a while trying to think of what to put up here next since my last post. I'm still not sure what I'm going to end up putting here, actually, but I think that I'm just going to go ahead and type anyways.
     I don't like it when Christmas comes. Not sure why I'm starting up with this, but I guess that I just really want to say it. I like Christmas itself, yes, but the time before and after isn't very pleasant for me. Every year my mom makes plans to bake so many cookies and other fancy desserts we only really have a chance to have around this time of year. But she rarely ever makes them. Last year I don't think we made any cookies, and so far this year we haven't done anything either. I'm the one who made brownies a few days ago, as well as cinnamon buns a week or two ago. My mom's bought chocolate chips and peppermints to make peppermint bark, and every day she keeps saying that she'll make it, but it still hasn't happened. In the end, I'm probably going to end up making it for her since she's not going to want to do it. I'm really hoping that that isn't going to be the case, but with the way how she can't be bothered to bake even brownies I don't really have much hope. (For those wondering, my mom's been nagging me to make brownies for months now, and there are many times when she's said that if she had to make them then no one else would get, and I would've been fine with that. It's never worth it for me standing for an hour or two making the brownies and getting only two or three.)
     And the Christmas tree. We've had our fiber-optic Christmas tree for years now. I don't ever remember having a different tree, actually. Our tree is falling apart because it's that old, and every year my mom tries getting my dad to replace it, but when it comes to actually going out to get a new one, suddenly she doesn't want to. And every year I have to go and fluff out the branches because they get flattened because it goes and lies down on its side when it gets stored away, and because no one else can be bothered to do it. I would've been fine with that, I honestly would have. But when no one else wants to help even decorate the tree? That used to be something we all did a few years ago. Something we did together as a family. But now I'm the only one who seems to know how to put on the garlands and all the ornaments. I really don't understand how that happened.
     Outside decorations? Oh, we have plenty of them lying around, but they never get put up. We went and cleared out the garden of weeds (which my sister was already paid for, even though she never did it) in the freezing cold to put up decorations, and as of writing this we've only got icicle lights on the gutters and lights on the tree outside. Nothing else. Thankfully, I didn't have to help with actually doing any of that, but I was stuck for hours untangling all the lights because once again no one else can be bothered to do it. They don't seem to notice that I'm already busy with something else, and if I leave then I'm missing out on something important. No, I have to drop everything that second and go and do it for them. If I don't, then I start getting yelled at. Everyone goes and complains about how I never do anything, stuff gets taken away, and I end up feeling completely awful about myself even though it's not even my fault.
     But then, my family isn't exactly a nice family. My older sister can't seem to speak or ask nicely anymore and is always yelling and complaining and being simply nasty with everyone. She and my younger brother are almost always sitting on their computers. Neither of them get up half the time when they actually need to, and they don't know what's going on around them the majority of the time because they don't know how to pay attention to two things at the same time. My younger brother might not be as nasty as my sister, but he's got a naturally loud voice, and since he mostly yells I get tired of it very fast.
     I'm not even going to bother complaining about my mom here. It's just not worth it. But my two youngest siblings, I have a major issue with them. Or maybe I just have an issue with what they're learning from the rest of us. Anyways, they used to be so nice before. Cute and friendly like how I imagine little kids to be anyways. But lately they yell just as much as everyone else. My little brother is always nagging for something, and if he doesn't get what he wants then he starts screaming like a banshee. Actually, he just starts screaming whenever anything happens that he doesn't like. And he's also got a loud voice, and I'd say that a whistle in my ears would probably hurt less than him screaming across the room. And he hurts. He's gotten into the habit of punching someone whenever they've done something to upset him (or many times in my case, doing nothing at all and just simply being there) And for a little kid, he's pretty strong. Or maybe I'm just too skinny. Or something else. I don't know. All I know is that he's gotten to be very annoying. My little sister also screams like a banshee whenever something happens that she doesn't like, and also punches pretty hard for a little kid. And lately when they ask for Halloween candies (which only still remain because I've been keeping them in my room and I don't steal them, unlike my younger brother and older sister) or actually any kind of candies, they almost always end up getting. It doesn't matter if it's half an hour before their bedtime. It doesn't matter if they've already been bad enough not to deserve one. They just get what they want. As always. They are so spoiled that it isn't even funny. Most of the time the four older kids (my older brother, older sister, me, and my younger brother) end up eating sandwiches for lunch and dinner (except on some days when my mom actually bothers cooking something or gets me to cook something) It's not filling enough for us. We're still hungry afterwards, sometimes even after we've eaten two or three sandwiches. It's not filling for my little siblings either. But they get aall the 'fancy' meals. They get to eat pasta and frozen dinners and whatever else, but sandwiches? Oh no, that will never happen, simply because they get everything they want. They get all the ice cream they ask for, they get all the candy they ask for, they got to hog the tv whenever they want, they even get to use our computers even if we're busy with something important. But the rest of us? No, we had to grow up eating sandwiches, having extremely limited time on games and even tv, and having almost no desserts. It's not fair.
     But of course you'll never hear me say that out loud to my family. They'd only yell at me again. I've had enough of yelling to last me a lifetime, and still I have to sit with so much of it every day of my life.
     I have no complaints with my dad or older brother. My dad is actually trying to be nice, even if he's only home on the weekends and I rarely actually see him because we're both sitting the majority of the time in our separate rooms. And while I do get annoyed by my older brother talking so much about things I don't care about, at least he makes up for it with chocolates and actual advice and tips on some things. He's gotten me to play Minecraft, and while I still only know how to make a few actual things apart from tools and other sort of necessary survival items, I still enjoy playing with him. We built a huge tower the other day. That was fun. Until he ended up cheating. I don't like cheating. I don't like Creative mode (which I personally consider to be cheating) and I don't like anything else that gets you something faster than you would be able to. I actually enjoy chopping down forests of trees and digging out mountains to get the materials I need. I don't actually enjoy monsters killing me, but luckily there's peaceful mode for the world I'm trying to turn into something absolutely fantastic (not that I have any idea what I'll be making yet, but I've chopped down a large area of trees and have flattened a big hill so far and I'm under the process of expanding the flat area even more) and even though I encounter many skeletons and creepers (which are by far the most annoying monsters, aside from Ghasts, which are just plainly creepy with the sounds they make) I at least know how to kill them, and I don't freak out every time I see them, unlike my sister (Seriously, she jumps for just about anything)
     So there's no complaints on my brother there. He's the only actual one who's nice to me on a regular basis. He doesn't really complain about anything I do, except for the times when he's joking around about me being too awesome. But he somehow manages to make me feel better whenever I'm upset (which is a lot) even if he doesn't realize it. Sometimes it seems like he's the only one who actually cares. Everyone else only gets concerned about me whenever I'm ready to ignore everyone and keep pushing them away, but my brother is the only one who actually sticks around to try and help basically the entire time and not just during those times.
     I suppose that's it for now. Once I started typing, I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but now it seems that I've run out of words. And while I don't actually feel better, I think it has helped me that I've been able to vent out some of my feelings. And I don't think that this is the last time I'll be complaining about my family. They're just that annoying to me.

Feelings

     All right, in this blog post I'll try tackling feelings. Note how I say 'try', because usually I end up going way off topic or divert from the point I'm actually trying to make. Actually, I'm pretty sure that somewhere I'm going to divert from the topic of 'feelings' and go to something else...
     I don't really know how other people see me. I believe that everyone's minds are different and we all think of things in a different way from each other. Which is why some people find math impossible and others find it as easy as breathing. I look at some things in a way that other people don't seem to do, and when it comes to things like feelings and other questions with no real answer, I try analyzing them in my own way.
     First I have to say that I think I suffer from depression. I'm not entirely sure if I do, but it does feel like it sometimes. And while it is harder to describe emotions than anything else I've ever tried to explain (and believe me, I've tried explaining a lot of complicated things) I can try. I never really feel 'happy'. Sometimes I think I've lost sight of what it really means. Most of the time I just go through my day with a neutral feeling that borders on being sad or angry, depending on what's going on around me. But almost never happy. The only time I'm actually aware that I'm happy is when I have this sudden burst of energy that I can't explain. Because most of the time I feel exhausted, like I never get enough sleep (which sometimes I don't, but it's very strange if I sleep for a normal amount of time and still always feel tired)
     I don't get angry often either. Annoyed, yes, but angry? Not so much. With so many people living under one roof, with only my mother to keep us all under control (and for the record, us kids consist of very lazy teenagers and mischievous toddlers that don't know what 'quiet' means) it gets very loud at times. In fact, the only time when I find it to be quiet, with the exception of when a majority of us have gone out for shopping or whatever, is in the middle of the night when everyone's asleep. Which might be why I stay up so late at night sometimes. Because during the day, I often get headaches because of the noise. Not headaches that actually hurt, but it feels like something is pushing down on my head just not enough to cause pain. That's really hard to describe, because that's not quite it. But that's more or less how it feels. There are times when I do get headaches that hurt, but that pushing kind of feeling is what I get most of the time.
     Like I said before I got distracted, I do get annoyed. I like it when things are quiet. And when people leave me alone. I'm not a social person, and I never will be. I think that I'll always prefer curling up on my bed either to just lie down or to read or go on my laptop as opposed to going to some other place, whether it be in public or just down the stairs, to hang out with other people. And I like being with my own thoughts to analyze things or just make up stories. I often get bothered through the day for various reasons; chores, requests to make brownies (that I don't really feel like making because to feed my family I stand there making and baking them for two hours minimum. And then it's rare for me to get more than one or two brownies) and just to see if I want to sit with anyone else to keep them company. And it's not that I don't appreciate that my family wants me, it's just that they'll never understand that I don't actually like talking all that much, and I like it even less listening to them rant on and on about one particular subject when they could sum it up in a few sentences. And while I don't have a short temper, I can't really help but get annoyed at them.
     But still, I don't really get angry that often. It's more common being angry than truly happy though. There are times when everything just seems to annoy me. And normally I would think that those days would be the days where I don't get much sleep. But they aren't. For some reason, when I don't sleep much during the night, I'm more calm through the day. I think it might be because I don't quite feel 'there' and it feels more like a dream than anything. But when things really do start annoying me and I can't stand to listen to anyone talking because of that, I get into a bad mood.
     Now, in my house, a bad mood is when a person starts stomping around and isn't doing things as nicely as he/she is able to do, and yelling more than normal. Normally I walk almost silently through the house, so when I start getting angry you'll know because I'm actually putting more weight on my feet but not exactly stomping, though it does seem that way. I also have a tendency to glare at anyone who talks to me and turn up my music loud enough so that I can't hear anyone (bad habit, and I know I'll probably go deaf because of that, but with the amount of yelling going on I'm actually half surprised I'm not deaf already) and do everything faster than normal, if not entirely as neat or accurate as I would've done it when I'm not in a bad mood.
     But I don't do that very often. That's what happens on the really bad days. Otherwise I do what I normally do and just swallow my feelings and go around with the same blank expression on my face. Well, not exactly blank, but more like carefully composed. Some would argue and say that I'm frowning the entire time and I'm not happy the entire time, but most of the time that's not so much the case. Most of the time, I store away my feelings and think about something to distract me. Most of the time when people are talking to me, I'm already thinking about something else and I'm only paying half attention to whatever they're talking about. There are very few conversations I'm actually ever interested in and will participate in more than just some yeses and nos. So most of the time I'm actually more in thought than anything. Which might be why sometimes I try figuring things out that don't make any sense to me (the meaning of life, for example)
     I cry. I can admit that. And though I haven't done it so much in the past two months or so, I still cry a lot. The reasons why are not always reasonable (teasing was the most common reason in school, but now just because I can sometimes, with feeble excuses for when someone does see me cry) but I've found lately that I don't like my family. I wouldn't say that I hate them or anything, considering how I still respect some of them and I've grown up with them for my entire life, but I don't like them. I realize that I don't actually like anyone, let alone my family, but because I'm always around my family they seem to strike more nerves than anyone else. And it's not just because they're so loud, though that is a problem. It's because they can't stop fighting. And I don't mean fighting as in a fistfight, I'm just talking about yelling insults back and forth and bringing everyone else into the whole argument that doesn't want to be there (mainly meaning me, since I try avoiding fights) And they fight over the simplest things. If my brother doesn't do one of his chores, my mom starts yelling, he yells in return, and if he's actually doing the chore at that moment, he'll stop and yell about how he won't do it then. And then we don't hear the end of it because his privileges get taken away, my mom takes the chore completely away from him (most of the time it gets dumped on me) and then there's just complaints. And I have the 'special' honor of listening to everyone's complaints. If my mom has a problem, most of the time she'll tell me even though I have no interest in it whatsoever. Same goes for my siblings. And the worst part is that I can't tell them anything because they always misunderstand and make me seem worse than I really am. Well, that, and they can't keep a secret very well.
     And when my sister complains...then we really never do hear the end of it. She doesn't know how to drop a subject (except when something is her fault. Then she's very eager to drop it) and sometimes I'll hear a topic coming out of her mouth that she was busy going on about a week previously. Everyone complains about everything that annoys them (and I'm talking about everyone I know, not just my family) and most of the time they feel better afterwards. I'm not the type of person to complain much. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't really have any other choice. You'd be surprised at how much I get yelled at when I complain. Anyone else in my family? They get annoyed, but they don't really care. But because everyone expects me to be a good girl, they're never impressed if I start complaining about something.
     Mostly I just feel sad though. I'll rarely feel happy, I'll get annoyed a lot, and I won't get mad that often, but sad is what I feel more than anything. Well, apart from confusion. But still, mostly sadness. I'm not sad enough to think about hurting or killing myself, but I do feel sad. And sadness is probably the hardest emotion for me to describe. It's just something that feels almost so constant that it's become normal to me. And it doesn't make it any easier knowing that (for me at least) there's more than one kind of sadness. Some people might argue and say that while one feeling might be sadness, another variation of it would be called despair, or sorrow, or whatever. But to me it's all the same. It's still sadness, no matter how I look at it. They just vary in how strong it is. As for what I normally feel, it's not very strong sadness. Enough for me to know it's there, but not enough for it to influence any of my decisions. But there are times when I'm alone (almost always in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep) when I find myself crying. Crying for no particular reason sometimes, and just having a very sad feeling. They're silent tears, just so you know. No sobbing or anything. If I'm sobbing about something, then that means that something has gone very wrong. I'll cry silently if I don't think something is fair or for no reason, but the rare times I actually sob where I can't stop even if I wanted to, something has gone very wrong. In my eyes, at the very least. And it's usually around then when I just want to be alone. I push everyone away and ignore them for as long as it takes me to stop, and then a while after that as well to get myself under control again. But as much as I wish that they would leave me alone, I still sometimes want someone to ignore me and actually try to help. Not by asking me what's wrong (because I never answer that. They never understand and always make false assumptions) but by actually trying to help me. To listen to me for once, instead of making me listen. Because as much as I hate actually talking, sometimes that's exactly what I want to do.
     I'll stop there on the sadness. Not because I'm getting sad myself, but because from there on it just gets harder and harder to explain anything. So now I'll move onto confusion. Confusion is something I feel a lot as well. As smart as I may be, there are things that I will never understand. When I was younger, my family was happy. We actually did fun things, instead of sit around the entire time doing basically nothing. We didn't fight so much. We were functional. But now all that happens is that we sit around with our eyes glued to some screen the majority of the time or making a mess. We don't go out for family outings anymore, and we don't even go to church. There's so much fighting happening in general here that my ears ring from the noise all the time. A very high-pitched but only loud enough to irritate me sound. And when things get really bad and I get real headaches, I have that as well as a very low buzzing sound that hurts. But anyways, I thought I used to know a lot about my family. My mom always went on about how great my dad was before and how she didn't regret marrying him or anything, but now they're needing a divorce. I say that they need one because all they ever do is argue. They haven't actually done anything about it yet though. And I know that people change, but when I look at how my family used to be compared to what it is now, I just can't help but get confused. I don't think that it will ever make sense to me how we went from happy and getting along to fighting so much. So basically, most of my confusion stems from my family. I do get it when I don't understand other things, like math of physics equations, but mostly from my family.
     Since I explained a bit of confusion, I think I should also add fear in here. I've never been a brave person. It's hard for me to make choices because many times when I do make a choice something goes wrong. It's not always something that's my fault, but something still tends to go wrong. And because I've been teased a lot in school, I've never actually wanted to really say anything. Fighting back almost never seems to help in my cases, so I've never really bothered trying to. I just stayed how I was: alone and afraid. Most people wouldn't know it just by looking at me, but I am afraid. Afraid of so many unimportant things that just seem to weigh heavily on me. When it comes to putting out a fire because my little brother accidentally set a blanket on fire? There it seems like I am brave. This actually did happen the other day, by the way, which is how I know that. But five minutes afterwards, and now, it felt like it was a dream. Like it wasn't really me doing it. I think I did that more out of instinct than anything. Instinct and fear. Because as much as I don't like it where I am, I don't want the house to burn down either. But I know that if something else should happen, no matter how much I imagine that I'll be brave enough to deal with it, I won't be able to. Unless some stroke of luck hits me like it did with the fire. Because I've always been a coward. I've never been able to talk to anyone properly because I didn't want them thinking the wrong things about me. It's extremely hard for me to find anyone to open up to about anything because most people don't understand and get the wrong idea. And I never really stand up for myself in anything because I can't stand the idea of having any amount of attention directed at myself. I don't like change, and I've lived far too long being the way I am that I'm not sure I'll ever be ready to change.
     Of course, I did start this blog. This is one big step in my life, no matter how much it doesn't seem like it. Because I can still remain anonymous enough that even if my family finds this, they won't think to connect it to me. Because I can talk about whatever I want and not feel bad about it. No one will make me feel bad, because even if there is someone who says anything I don't like, I can ignore them. There's no actual person here making me feel bad.
      Basically, I can be what I want here. For once in my life, I can be honest about what I'm really thinking. I don't have to tell little lies to keep myself safe or sane or to keep others from some sort of danger. I don't have to go along with whatever else anyone says, which I actually hate doing. I can enjoy this freedom from the things that hold me back so much in the real world, and know that at least someone out there will read what I'm thinking. I don't know what other people might think of me, whether they think that I'm confusing or easy to understand, whether I'm 'right' or 'wrong', whether they think I'm being mature or just childish, but I don't really care. I've found something that helps me. And maybe, just maybe, it can help others too. I don't really know how, but maybe it can.
     There are other feelings I could talk about here. I could talk about hope, or love, or a variety of other things, but I feel that this is long enough. I might get to those other things one day, but for now I'm content with what I've written already. It's taken me about 4 hours to write this particular subject this far, with long breaks for chores and watching my little siblings. And I've paused a lot to think about how these feelings affect me, and how to put it all into words. And that was the hardest part about writing this. Finding the words. I'm not scared of how others think of me. I couldn't really care less if my family finds out about this (unless of course they actually find out that it's me and confront me about it, in which case I'll care so much) It's almost funny to me how sometimes the smallest of things can matter the most. And I also want to say that these are just my feelings. I don't know if anyone else will ever feel things the way I do. In order to understand someone else's feelings, you'd have to ask them.
     The last thing I wanted to say on feelings here is that even though I believe that I suffer from depression, I'm still more or less fine. I've been dealing with what I have for as long as I can actually remember, and I know how to control myself. I've never wanted to hurt myself, and I've never though about killing myself. Just for in case anyone is thinking that I'm saying all of the above stuff because I'm planning on doing anything like that. Actually, I don't think will, but you never know. It just feel slike something I should say here. And if anyone here reading really does think about those things, know that no matter how bad your life is, it can get better. You just need the right outlook and to find other people who are willing to listen and to help. And maybe listen to music. Because that's what helped me so much. But that's another topic. Something I probably won't get into fully for a long time either. But don't give up. Because then nothing will happen. There's always help out there somewhere.

Pressure

     Hmm, I've got about seven minutes before midnight comes and my internet gets cut off, so let me see what I can come up with...
     Okay, first off I have to say that any teenager that gets grounded from internet is probably a lot luckier than I am. In most cases that I'm aware of (which I'm not sure how accurate it is, by the way, since I don't really know anyone else) the kids just get told not to go on and get into trouble if they get caught. But my point is, the kid can still sneak on. That is not the case with me. See, I've got a dad and older brother who are more or less in my eyes technology experts. If there's any sort of technical problem with one of the computers or the tvs that we don't know how to fix, we go to them and they sort it out. And some would argue and say that that's a good thing. But while it is actually good, it's also bad, because when I'm grounded from internet, I get cut off of it entirely.
     Right now I have inernet from some point in the morning (I'm guessing 8 o'clock, but I'm never awake at that time so I wouldn't know) to midnight every night. Any time between that, and I don't have any internet. But I suppose it's better than having 24 hour access and having my computer get taken away at night. And anyways, I do deserve it. For those who are curious, I'm not doing so much schoolwork as I need to. I could easily storm through it if I wanted to and risk at worst average grades (I would be on the honor roll if it actually existed in a homeschooling system) But I don't. (Aw, midnight came. I guess I'll be putting the rest of this up tomorrow)
     Now, you might be wondering why I don't do exactly that. I'm smart and able to figure things out where I don't need to memorize the facts, but I choose not to do it as much as my parents expect me to. The reason for this is the pressure behind it. For as long as I can remember I've always been smart. I have an older sister by not quite two years, and I learned to read alongside her. I was faster at it too. And I've loved reading since I can remember too. I only vaguely remember preschool, but when I was in kindergarten, I was at 3 schools in total. One school for roughly the first half of the year, and a morning kindergarten and a separate kindergarten for the other half. I remember being at the top of that first school. I was smarter than the other kids and was doing extra work when I got done with the work they assigned to everyone. And it was a lot of fun back then. I think I still felt the pressure back then (though my memory is admittedly fuzzy of back then) but it wasn't as much as I feel now. As for the second half of that year where I was in the two schools, I don't really remember that. It's strange how I can remember more of the first half, I think. But maybe it's because I had more fun.
     Anyways, the next two years, first grade and second grade, I started feeling the pressure more. My parents, and I think others as well, knew I was smart. I was able to do the work they assigned to me easily. I was advanced with my reading level (I believe I was reading chapter books in first grade) I got third place in a school-wide reading competition in one of those years, though I don't remember which, with my older brother getting first (he was in fifth grade or so) and one of his classmates I think getting second. Or that's what I remember, anyways. My memory is very fuzzy of things concerning school. But still, I was a young kid (now that I think about it, I think I was in first grade, by the way) and getting third place in a reading competition where you were counted on how many pages you read was an accomplishment for me. I don't even remember what I won. There were actually a bunch of competitions, and if memory serves rightly then that wasn't the only one I placed in the top 3 for.
     Actually, now that I'm remembering that school I remember a lot of other things too. First and second grade were probably the two best years of my life. I had friends, I had fun, and I liked being a teacher's assistant. To me, I was special there. The only thing I didn't lke was physical education. I've always been an introvert, even if I didin't know it back then, so things like running and playing sports have never come easily to me. Even today, though I'm in much better shape than I was way back then, I still get tired easily from doing too much running. And the funny thing is that in both years there was this little school competition called the Jog-A-Thon. It was a yearly event that made kids go and jog around a big track and see who could do the most laps. Or that's what I think anyways. As much as I ever wanted to go to one of those (and surprisingly, I did want to go to that very much) I couldn't. In one of the years, I happened to have a doctors appointment on the very same day, and the other I was sick for the entire week because of drinking Mountain Dew (something about it having too much caffiene. I haven't had a sip of it since then and avoid it at all costs)
     Ah jeez, I'm going off topic from the point I wanted to make. Too many memories, I suppose. But anyways, despite those years being the best so far of my life, I still felt the pressure. I was very short for my age back then (and have always been, actually) so I got teased a lot for that. And there were some days when I was able to laugh so hard that I couldn't breathe, but there were also a lot of days when even the slightest tease about my height would make me block everything out. I was never a social person to begin with, and the teasing never helped. I don't think that I was absolute smartest person in my class either year, but I was still very smart. I remember doing a test in one year that woud've let me skip a grade if I had passed. But I was sick that day and messed up on some parts. I could've retaken the test when I got better, but they didn't let me because they said that my height, which was already distancing me from my classmates, would only further distance me from other kids in higher grades. Actually, I'm not sure if they ever said that to me, but I think it was just something that was said around me and I just happened to hear it.
     Either way, there was pressure. And as I grew older, it just got worse. We moved when I was done with second grade, to the house that I now live in. And from then I've had the rest of elementary school done in another public school, 6th and 7th grade done in a private school, and 8th grade onwards until now in 12th grade in homeschool. With me being mostly antisocial and actually pretty forgetful (as well as having a tendency not to want or do homework half the time) I got average grades. Maybe one or two A's through the year, a few B's, but I think more C's than anything. I don't ever remembering having something lower than a C though. And I think that if I had actually put more effort into school I could've gotten straight A's, or high B's at the very least. Actually, since doing homeschooling I've gotten mostly just that.
     And this is where the pressure sets in the most. The work gets harder and harder every year, and I'm at the point where I don't know how to do half of the math or physics equations they're trying to teach me. Math is easy to understand, because my cirriculum in entirely on the computer and has very few problems that need my teacher (my parents, in other words) to grade the problems. The lessons for math are awful, since they don't really describe what I need to know to solve the problems. They have an example of a problem that is never really like the problems I'm actually trying to solve and go through the problem without really explaining anything. But for a while it was okay, because I'm still smart and I have more of a knack now to see how things work than I did before and could figure it out in the end. But when I started moving onto graphs? I'm still confused about it. The one thing that still trips me up the most is the graphs. I've sort of figured out how to figure them out, but half the time I'm actually just guessing because I don't really know how to do it. But that's not entirely my fault. The lessons really are bad, and I don't always know what to look for on the internet.
     Anyways, since doing homeschooling I've been happier and more sad than when I was in any other school. I'm happier because I don't need to listen to any classmates teasing me about my height and other various things, but also more sad because I have no excuse not to get straight A's because I can't forget to do my homework or have some other feeble excuse as to why I never did it in the past. And it is something I'm reminded of every single time that schoolwork comes into conversation. I struggle for the most part to get high B's, let alone straight A's. And while I could argue and say that I'm not trying my hardest, I'm still trying pretty hard. It's not my fault that I just don't understand some things, is it? After all, neither my mom nor my older sister know a lot about math, and as much as I struggle with it I know that they understand even less of it than I do.
     So yeah, it is pretty hard trying to keep completely up-to-date on my schoolwork (let alone to work a few months ahead, since they also expect that of me) Especially when it's hard to concentrate on anything with the amount of noise here at home. And if anyone wants to tell me that I could just go to a friend's house or the library or something, I can't. I don't have any friends, and even if I had a drivers licensce it's not like I can just borrow anyone's car randomly for a few hours. So mostly I just try to find small patches of time where I feel that I actually can concentrate on anything more than music to actually try doing schoolwork, because otherwise my grades start slipping and then I never hear the end of it.
     Pressure is something that's always existed for me. I've always been good (meaning, not completely awful) at anything I've tried, and that seems to put me in a challenging place. While I don't believe that my life could've really been different overall if I started it over knowing everything I know now, sometimes I still wish I could start over. Try and pretend that it could be better.
     Of course, that's just wishful thinking. I feel like I'm destined to fail in life, even if I might not fail in grades or anything. The person my family knows is not the real me because of everything that has happened. They know parts of me, yes, but not who I really am. They don't know that I feel a crushing weight because of the pressure from school and because of the tension at home. They don't know that I've been supressing my feelings for years, which is why I probably come off as cold an unemotional to some people.
     But that's another topic. I think I'll address that one next, since it's taken me an hour to write all this and I really need to get some sleep, seeing as I feel so exhausted during the day the entire time.
     Oh, and just for in case you're wondering, I did write this last night from about 11:53 to about 12:55. But since internet was cut off, I couldn't post this. And I feel like I didn't really get my point straight through, but I'm already half-busy writing my next post and I'll probably go further in on pressure there.

Sleepless nights from here to eternity...

     Hm, it's been a while since I've been on here. Mostly forgotten about this for a while, actually. Just recently remembered about it. But since I've got time on my hands (as always) I figure that I might as well put somthing up here.
     The holiday spirit is in the air here at home. Sort of. We might not be baking anything quite yet, and our house might not be covered in ornaments (yet, anyways) but we are playing Christmas music. And cleaning. Like spring cleaning, only it's not spring. It's winter. So I guess it's winter cleaning then. Or maybe holiday cleaning, considering how we're cleaning out old junk right now when there's a few holidays? I dunno.
     Anyways, I didn't sleep at all last night. I'm wide awake right now, and I don't feel so different from what I normally feel like, so I'm honestly wondering how much sleep I get at night anyways. I gave up trying to sleep at...4:30 AM when I couldn't take the constant running of my nose. And the sneeze that woudn't come. That was actually worse than the runny nose. I'm not sick though, I just have some problems with my nose. And the basement is pretty dusty, so cleaning there will probably set off my allergies even more.
     Have you ever stayed awake for 24 hours or more without trying? I know that there are some people out there that try so hard to stay awake, some people drinking loads of coffee or other caffienated drinks. If I had actually had much sugar before I went to bed last night, I would've said that I couldn't sleep because of that, but I had next to nothing. Normally I have hot chocolate before I go to bed, but I didn't even have that. Or maybe it's because I skipped out on sugary stuff that I couldn't sleep? I don't know. It makes for an interesting train of though. For me at least.
     Part of the reason why I forgot about my blog would be because I've sort of found something worthwhile to do. I say sort of because while I enjoy what I found, it's not something I can do whenever I really want, and I'm still stuck with a lot of time on my hands. If you're wondering, I've borrowed my younger brother's Spore game and have been playing that on and off for a while. I've already made a few Pokemon (a lot of fun, despite them not looking very good) and quite a few other creatures that were fun to make, and I'm nowhere near done creating stuff. Well, maybe buildings and vehicles for now, but creatures? No way. That is way too fun to stop.
     Oh, and I've also been playing on and off with the Sims 3. Most expansion packs included, since my mom's sort of a freak about them. I find it a lot of fun playing on the Medieval game especially, since there you actually have a goal you need to complete, whereas in the regular game you can just play and do whatever you want. It's not that I don't enjoy the regular games, but I've always been a fan of fantasy and older times, so Medieval really attracts my attention (until I can play Supernatural, that is...fairies!) Haven't touched it in a while, but if I remember correctly, the last time I was on Medieval I was trying to kill my monarch...hey, don't look at me funny! I messed up when I made her, and it'd be nice to see someone else in charge. I need to finish that at some point...
     And art. I define 'art' here as drawing, writing in form of novels/poetry, and making music. I've always had a personal knack for drawing stuff, and while I've more or less neglected to try and further my skills in the past few years, lately I've been working on that again. Drew my first rose a few weeks ago, and even though I messed up on the shading (which I really need to practice on) the rose itself looks pretty good.
     I'm considering writing a novel of some sort. My dad is encouraging me to do that, so it's more just really finding the right idea that I want to put into book format and getting it written down. It'd be as easy as just writing one of the numerous little stories I have in my head right now, but I have writers block, I think. I can see how everything works out in my head, but when it comes to writing it down, I get stuck. Some areas I can type an entire page or two as fast as I'm able to type, but other areas I can be stuck for hours trying to write one or two sentences. It's very...frustrating, but challenging at the same time. I enjoy a good challenge, so I don't really mind it most of the time. After all, it's not like I actually need to write a book. It's just something I can do in my spare time.
     As for music, I can write some lyrics for songs easily. But it's the actual music that I'm working on. My dad has also offered to help me with that, but some of the songs I write are more personal and not exactly something I'd want anyone else to see for a while, so for now until I write something that I don't mind showing him, I'll fiddle around with FL Studio (only got the demo for now) and see if I can make anything that I actually like. Most of what I've made so far has been stuff I wouldn't be able to use right now.
     I've also been think about things like the meaning of life. While everyone has their different opinions on it, I can't but wonder at it. I don't actually believe that there is a real meaning why each of us exist as we are right now, but I can't help but think that there's got to be some reason why we exist in the first place. Because if there's no point to our existence, then why would we exist in the first place? Actually, I have more complex and confusing arguments in my head, but I can't seem to write any down right now. Writers block at work there. But it is a confusing subject if you really try to understand it like I'm trying to do. I have a tendency to try and understand everything I have an interest in, or the things that I need to know for whatever reason. Take math for example. I'm busy learning about graphs and other more complex things right now, and at first glance nothing makes sense to me. But then when I start looking at it different ways and figuring out how they go from one thing to another, then it all starts making sense. It's the same way really with anything, but since I don't have much of an interest for math it takes me a little longer to figure it out. But at least I do understand it in the end, as compared to everyone I know that couldn't help me when I needed it because they didn't understand how to do any of the problems either. I'm not saying that I'm ever going to be a mathematician (or however you spell it or whatever you want to call it) but at least I know what I need to know for right now.
     Ooh, now I'm thinking about a bunch of other stuff...but I'll save those for another post. Last topic for this post would be one specific music group that has made me start hoping for things again. They're called The Rasmus, and you probably wouldn't have heard of them. But if you do know them, good for you. But seriously, they are definitely someone to check out. They're a Finnish rock band, and they sound amazing. Their songs are not so 'happy' as most of the songs I'm hearing from most people nowadays, which is one of the things I like about them. And what makes them really interesting to me is that Lauri (the lead singer) wears crow feathers in his hair in some of the music videos they have. Or at least when his hair is black. There was a time when he dyed it blond and made it look all funny and spiky, but I like him better with the black hair. I found out about this band almost two months ago, and I've been listening to them almost nonstop since then, and I haven't gotten bored with them in the least. And that's saying something, since I normally just listen to music a few times before getting sick of it and from then on only listening to it once every few months.
     But like I said, they've made me start hoping for things again. I could be wrong, but I think I suffer from depression. And even if I'm not, I have some issues with my feelings. It's really hard for me to feel anything close to happy nowadays, and music has always helped me in the past. It's been hard though, since I tire of music easily, so when I first found Vocaloid a few months back I was excited. For once I found something that I didn't tire of easily, and it was fun to sing along to some of the songs, even though it's still a challenge because I don't understand much Japanese (and by not much, I mean only a few words) But there's only so much that Vocaloid will ever be able to help me with, because I don't understand the majority of the songs (some are in English, so I obviously will understand some of them) I could always memorize the English translations if I wanted to, but I see no fun in that. Because then I start thinking of the song in English, and I've always preferred for things to be like how they were meant to me; meaning no dubs of any sort. So finding the Rasmus has been a major help to my life. I found myself instantly attracted to some of the 'darker' songs (In the Shadows, Ten Black Roses, Justify, and Sky being among my top favorites) Links are attached to the song names there if you want to hear them, by the way ;) I don't even know why I like those songs so much, I just do. The lyrics are relatable to me in a way that makes very little sense to me. Actually, it does make sense to me. Sort of. It's more relatable than the majority of the more modern stuff I hear, anyways. But they've given me a hope that I never would've found anywhere else, and for that I'll always be grateful. So despite the sometimes very depressing lyrics (though there are happier songs on their albums) I always find myself happier in the end.
Bonus! The title for this post is from one of the Rasmus songs. See if you can find out which one it's from. It's another of my favorites ;)

So, that's all for now. I've got plenty of other thoughts in my head, so I might be putting up another post soon. I'm not making any promises though, because they always go wrong. Or at least the majority of the time...

Exhausted, but not sleepy...

     It's been getting colder and colder here where I am. My house never seems to warm up, so even when I'm walking around in socks and long-sleeved shirts (which is what I normally wear in winter when it's snowing outside) my feet remain too cold and I can't seem to warm up. Dragging a blanket around helps, especially since I don't really like getting up much, so it isn't so bad.
     I'm predicting either a very cold winter, or an abnormally warm one. Last year we had almost no snow despite low temperatures, and summer never really seemed to come for me. My allergies have been off and on for over a year, so half the time I'm not even sure if I'm sick or just struggling with allergies. Sore throats are normally my tip-off to whether I'm sick or not, so it's mostly just been allergies. Allergy pills also help little enough to the point where it doesn't matter if I'm taking them or not. The worst part is that I'm not even sure what I'm allergic to. I used to always think it was dandelions, but considering how they've stayed for so long I'm thinking it's dust or something similar. I really don't know though.
     My head has been feeling funny all day. I had to wake up early (which surprisingly didn't put me in a bad mood) had yelling for a while, went back to my room to lie down after I got a headache, then had to go downstairs after a while. Since then I've just been hearing a high-pitched ringing and a low rumbling noise. Nothing out of the ordinary for me, but just a little louder than normal. More irritating than anything considering all the noise...
     It's past 3 AM where I am, and I can't sleep. Even if I turned off my computer and curled up into my blankets like I normally do, I don't think I'll be able to fall asleep for another few hours despite being exhausted. I've tried going to bed at 10, and still was wide awake at 2 AM. And last night I got a maximum of 3 hours of sleep, considering how I actually saw the sky get brighter, and I had to blow my nose at 6 AM. Woke up at 9, so considering I don't remember much after blowing my nose, I'm assuming that I actually got some sleep during that time.
     Babble babble babble. That's all I'm really doing right now. Can't help it though. My fingers are just typing away even though my eyes are closed. I should probably stop here. Try to get some sleep, or at the very least calm down and relax.

Of Reading and a few rants

     Most of the time when I talk to people about reading, they tell me they don't read much, if at all. Most of the people in that particular category are teenagers or younger children, but there are a few adults in there as well. It's not very often I find someone my age that I can talk to that actually enjoys reading for the fun of it, and not because of school or because there's a book that is the base for a movie (Hunger Games, anyone?) Of course, I haven't actually talked to that many people on the web and this is mostly based off of real life interactions, but still. I find it pretty disappointing that there are so many people that don't like to read.
     Before you yell at me and tell me that there are people who like reading out there, I know there are. I'm just focusing right now on the people who don't like reading.
     I've met people saying that they don't like reading books because it's not their type of books. Sometimes I wonder to myself when I'm done talking to them if they're aware that there's a wide range of categories to choose from. Others I've heard complain that they don't like reading because it takes them forever to read a book, and it gives them a headache when they try (My younger brother is included in this particular category, though at least he does read some books when we actually get some new ones that are his type and he hasn't read yet) I tend to dislike these people a little bit, which is rather unfair of me actually. The reasoning behind this is that I learned to read at a young age and was reading chapter books in first grade. Reading comes so naturally to me, sometimes I fail to understand how others can't read like I can, which is to say fast and headache-free when it's a book I enjoy. I suppose I can say I get more frustrated by those people than I really dislike them, but they're pretty similar when it comes to me. But in all honesty, everyone has something they excel at, and I'm sure that there are others who lose their patience in me when I fail to understand something as fast as they could, so I suppose it's fair.
     Have I gone off-topic? Maybe. But there are a lot of different excuses I've heard for why people don't read, and I guess I just get frustrated by them. But it's really rewarding for me when I finally see someone that doesn't like reading at all or not much reading a book (and possibly getting into trouble for whatever reason, depending on where they are and if they're supposed to be doing something at that moment)

     Of course, you get a lot of people, like me, who like reading. Some people read books critically, noticing every flaw and pointing them out in a review. Some people just read for the fun of it. I don't really know much about the reviewers/critics, so I can't really say much about them. I know that they tend to reveal all the flaws I miss on my first run through the book, but often I see them giving negative feedback on almost everything the review. But considering I've only read multiple reviews on two or three books and of those only read from two or three people's reviews on other books, that's not saying much. So...my information on critics is pretty sketchy, and if you want to know more about them you'd probably find more info out of actually reading the reviews :)
     I, personally, can read a book and ignore every flaw there is in the story the first time I read it through, though the bigger ones like a lack of writing experience of a bad storyline overall sticks out like a sore tuhmb for me. Most of the time it's only the second or third time I'm reading the book that I notice from the smaller flaws, or when I'm reading reviews by other people. I suppose it's because I read so fast to get the actual story in my  head that I forget to concentrate on all the small details (don't get me wrong, as I do remember most of the details, just not every last one the first time through) And because I read fast, I tend to read multiple books at a time (not open all at once, but like having four or five books that I read throughout the day depending on a number of things) That also helps me forget of the smaller details in a story, since I'm actively trying to remember a few stories at once. And because I have a cool imagination (by my own definition, not sure what others would say of it) I often "rewrite" the stories in my head. Add a few things and take others away, make the story either more "happy" or "sad" by my definitions, though most of the time they end up being more sad than they were written out to be...
     I should probably mention now that I'm not particularly a fan of happy endings anymore. I say anymore because I used to be one when I was a small kid, even up to about two years ago, but now I just don't find the same appeal I did back then. I suppose too many things have ended up being disappointing in my life for me to really believe in happy endings anymore. And that's also the reason I don't want much television anymore (apart from half-watching baby shows meant for my younger siblings, I rarely watch tv) But that's another story :)
     I'm not really sure when I first realized I was tired of happy endings. All I know is that I got tired of them. Though it might be because I'm a fantasy lover, and I was finding the supernatural books hard to read from the not-so-happy parts that I started losing interest in happy endings. I started expanding my views of books to include the ones I hadn't wanted to read before (I had skipped over the Hunger Games series specifically because I didn't like the fact that people died in them, and quite a few other series of books that had people getting pretty injured somewhere...) I found that I enjoyed those books more than I was enjoying the books I were used to reading, no matter how strange that sounds. And, as an added bonus, I've even found a few series where the plot itself doesn't follow romance, but rather has minimal romance in it that doesn't really bother me at all. And I suppose that the romance being part of most of the main plots of the books I read were another reason to deter me from that path, since I find it annoying whenever people in the books find themselves in love for the very first time with someone, and they end up living happily ever after. Real life doesn't work out like that as often as the books make it out to be, and it gets annoying how many people in real life complain about their love life and how they're never going to find the perfect match for themselves, especially after they've only dated one single person.
     Yeah, definitely off-topic rant. But I don't personally care. My blog. I write what I want. But I think I'll save that particular rant for another post somewhere in the future, because there are a lot of things that will tie up with that rant. Though if you seriously want an example of love-struck teenagers (at least, I'm assuming they're teenagers, because I have no real idea and I don't really hear adults complain so much aobut love) moping around, follow this link and read from the pictures in the gallery. Not all of them are about love, but quite a few are: DeviantArtSecret And if you're planning on reading from them, keep in mind that there are thousands of secrets in the gallery, so it might take you a while to read through them all. And if you have some sort of secret you want to share but can't for whatever reason, you can read their journals on submitting a secret :)

     I'm definitely getting off-topic, and since it's nearly 2 AM this time I think I'm going to end the post here. Even though I kind of doubt that anyone enjoyed reading this, I hope that you found it at least interesting in one way or another. Not sure if I'm ever going to continue the whole likes/dislikes reading thing again, but I can tell you for sure that this is not the last time you'll hear me complaining about love and happy endings, as they're one of my biggest gripes in life right now. Until next time, whenever that may be.

A few warnings of things to come...

     So, this is my blog. I have a strange mind, claimed by not only people that know me but myself included, and sometimes I feel like posting whatever it is that I'm thinking about somewhere. I never really do, but I'm trying to change that here. Hopefully with this blog I can get some of the thoughts out of my head so it doesn't take me so long to fall asleep at night (not kidding...though it might help that I like eating some candy before I go to bed :) ) Oh, and just so you know, I am terrible at making titles, so don't focus too much on them and rather just read the actual post :)

     The first thing that comes off the top of my head right now would be something along the lines of, "Oh my gosh! I'm actually sitting here and writing a blog post!" followed very closely by, "Is it seriously almost 1 AM? Well, that would explain why my head feels so funny." So, I'll be writing a few more things before I finally get off and go to sleep :)

     You'll very soon notice that I tend to type a lot. Especially if I need to sleep, because that's when it seems like most of my ideas and thoughts come. During the day, I'm more concentrated on doing schoolwork (though school doesn't start for about another week for me) doing chores (which is a lot more fun if I'm listening to music) or playing games (actually, I do this at night too. I just play more when everyone else is up and about) I tend to get ideas a lot then, but it's more when I'm sitting and everything around me is calm that the thoughts start spinning. Often I'm thinking of two or three things at the same time as well as listening to a song in my head, strange as it sounds.
     Also, in addition to having the tendency to typing a lot, I tend to babble on about things both relevant and irrelevant. You may have already noticed that by now, but if you haven't then you should know by now ;)

     I have no idea how often this blog will get updated, as I need to find time to do it. Granted, I do have a lot of time on my hands most of the time, but almost always I find that I can't do what I want during that time because I keep getting interrupted. And I really don't know what I'm going to post ahead of time, as I am going to be posting about whatever's on my mind when I'm writing.

     So yeah, I'm a pretty strange girl. If you don't agree with it now, I'd like to see you disagree later on when my ramblings get really weird. Maybe even with my next post :)

     Running out of things to say in this post that are actually going to help you...I guess I can say that if you're still interested after everything I typed (which is very very little by my standards, believe it or not) then you'll find this blog interesting. Possibly annoying too, but I can't say for sure. Oh, and if you've read every word on here, thank you :) Since I have a tendency to type a lot, I notice that a lot of people only focus on a single paragraph I write out of maybe five or six, and usually it's the shortest one. I don't know why, but it seems like a lot of people don't really like reading all that much. Er, I think I'm going to stop there and start writing a new blog post about that...just before this thing gets way too long...