I don't know...about so many things...

     So, I'm feeling pretty bad today. For the past hour or so, I've been writing down what's been coming to my mind, and this is what came up. I have no doubt that I'm not done yet, that I'll continue writing for a long time yet, but I feel calmer for now. I don't know why I'm putting this on here either. I don't know what it will accomplish for me. I'd actually rather keep this to myself. But something just tells me to put this here. I don't know what it is, or why, I just know that I am doing this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't do it. I hate my life. I don't know what to do. I'm scared, I'm afraid, I'm lonely, but I'm too afraid of reaching out to anyone. I have no friends, my family never understands me, and I don't know who to talk to. I can't stop crying, even though it's still the middle of the day and anyone can walk in and see me. I don't know what would happen if they found out that I'm this sad. I think I suffer from depression. I probably do. I don't know how long I've had it, and this scares me. I'm horribly behind on my schoolwork, but I can't make myself do any of it. I don't understand the math or science, despite reading the pitiful explanations over and over, and looking up how to do it on the internet. Music doesn't even help much anymore. I want someone to talk to, someone who I'm not afraid of talking to. Someone who won't judge me, and will actually help me, will listen to me, and won't make me try to think or believe in some other way. My family is falling apart. This scares me so much. We used to be more or less happy, but now we can all barely be in the same room together without fighting. And even then, most of the time someone has to complain about something and it leads to fighting.

I'm afraid. Of everything, and of nothing at the same time. I don't fear anything like spiders or snakes or heights or other sensible things like other people would. I have never been one to actually care about what others say to me, but I fear now what my family would think of me if I told them that I was feeling sad like how I am. I am hesitant to say depressed, even though I'm sure that's what I am. Because they'd just brush it off as though it were nothing, just like they have done everything else so far. I have ringing in my ears, and one day it got really bad. I could barely think straight, but when I told my mom about it, she said that her ears ring too, and it was nothing. Despite me trying to tell her that it hurt. Actually hurt. But she's lost in her own world just as much as I am in mine

We're all crazy. Despite how much people would say that they're sane, none of us really are. It scares me sometimes to think that, even though every time I do think it, I believe that it's true. Sometimes I wonder just how crazy I am.

I wear a mask of sorts. I haven't been truly happy in a very very long time, but I can fake it well enough. Because of this mask, my family only starts getting worried about how upset I am when I'm crying in my room and more or less refusing to talk to anyone. My mom will try and get me to talk to her then, but by that time I'm so sick of everything that I don't want to. Especially not when a lot of my problems actually originate from her. I love her for being my mother, but I hate her for not being a better mother.

I should probably go and see a doctor about how I feel. But I can't. I can't even get a dentist's appointment, despite me asking my dad, who is the only one who can arrange it. And since no one ever really goes to the doctor except when someone is really sick, I can't just ask to go see a doctor. I'm terrified.

I need someone to talk to. But I don't have any friends. There aren't very many people my age where I live, and the few that are my age have made it clear that they don't want to be friends with me. I don't trust anyone. Not completely. So that also makes it hard for me to make friends with other people. I never get out of the house, and even if I could I wouldn't know where to go. I need to get driving lessons, but I don't really see a point to it right now. If my dad is saving the money for my older brother's insurance so that he can finally get his license, and after that there's my sister, then why should I really bother? I'm not going to get a job any time soon, I've got no money, and there's no way that my dad'll have enough money for insurance for three kids by the time July comes.

I'm smart, but not smart enough for the things that my family expects of me. I don't understand the math being taught to me, and I don't understand the science either. The lessons in the schoolwork are awful and go through one explanation that doesn't really help me, and because I can't figure out how to do it myself, I'm behind on schoolwork because everyone expects good grades out of me, and if I had to go through with it all then I wouldn't be able to get those good grades. I hate the pressure that's put on me because of this.

I want to draw. I want to write. I want to play my violin. But my violin needs to be tuned, and so far as I know of the string tuner is broken. I have so many ideas for writing, but I don't know which one to choose, and I can't write the stories that I want to the way everyone else says I should. I don't care so much about character development the way how everyone describes it. I've never been able to make a character sheet listing my character's name, age, gender, likes, dislike, and so forth, because I always change them at some point. It's probably irregular doing it like that, but I just want to write and not stop sometimes. I want to draw, but the way how I want to do it I can't. I need my art to be absolutely perfect, and it frustrates me when I can't get it exactly the way I want it. I want to draw realistic looking people, but I don't know how. I have looked at a bunch of tutorials for it, but every time I actually want to try it, something stops me from doing so. I want to learn how to shade realistically too, but I don't know how. That's something I don't think I ever will be able to do. I can look at things in real life and I'll wonder how the light hits everything and makes the shadows, but I don't understand it like how I want to. So it stops me from drawing the way I want to.

I want to do so many things. I want to go for long walks until I collapse, just because I can't stand being cooped up in her anymore. I want to listen to music until I go deaf, just because I'd prefer the last thing I hear to be music over the shouting I keep hearing from my family. I want to make my own music, but I don't know how to play any instruments other than the violin, and it needs tuning. I can make limited amounts of different sounds on my trial version of FL Studio, but I can't make what I actually want. I don't know how to. I can make lyrics fine enough, but even then it's not something I'll ever want to show to my family. Because most of it has to with how I feel, and I'd rather keep it away from them. There's so many things they don't know about me, and it makes me wonder how many secrets they're keeping from me.

I hate myself. I hate that I can't stand up for myself, and can't even correct anyone when they get a fact about me or something else wrong. I hate that I have so much acne and nothing helps. I hate that I can type as fast as I can. I hate the fact that my hair always turns up in split ends because I never get any haircuts, and everyone seems to get annoyed when I ask for anything. I hate that I can almost never cry anymore, and yet here I am crying and it isn't helping me at all. I hate that I don't want to be around anyone, yet want someone to help me through this all. I hate feeling so pathetic. I hate that I have a pathetic stamina, no matter what it seems like compared to any of my siblings. I hate the fact that I seem to have perpetual allergies that never leave me alone. I hate the fact that I question everything. I hate that I can never feel happy. I hate that I can't even laugh and actually mean it. I hate that I'm lying to everyone. I hate that I don't know what to do with myself.

I am strong in ways that some people won't understand. I suffer through being ignored for most of my life, watching everyone else get more attention than me, always seeming to get the most pathetic things compared to everyone else. I have to listen to everyone else's complaints, and yet I'm never allowed to complain. Somehow I can never feel good about myself. And yet despite how broken I am inside because of all this and more, sometimes I still have more courage to do smaller things that don't really matter, things that no one else can seem to do easily. Most of the time I can see if someone is lying to me, but I never say anything because I keep getting yelled at every time I bring something like that up. I don't lie much anymore concerning things other than my feelings, but the times that I do, no one really suspects that I'm lying. I suppose that I'm either better than they are at hiding the things that give me away, or they're just not very perceptive.

Sometimes I feel like I don't even know myself. I don't know much about my body, other than what I see and feel, and sometimes that scares me. I don't know my own mind very well. I don't know what to believe in. I've been raised as a Christian for my entire life, but I don't know what to believe in anymore. We stopped going to church a few years ago, I think, and I'm wondering if I ever really believed in God in the first place. I don't think I did, but at the same time I think I did. I don't know.

I'm not a regular girl. I have no friends, I have no intention of ever doing things to myself that I wouldn't normally do just to fit in with everyone else. I'd rather be a shadow behind everyone else, watching but not doing anything else. I'm a loner. I'm shy. I'm depressed. I don't know if I care about what everyone else thinks of me. I think about some things for too long, and not enough on others. I don't care at all for fashion. I don't like makeup, and with it on I feel like I'm looking at a stranger whenever I look into a mirror. But I'm also tired of seeing the dark marks on my face because of my acne. I don't know if I'd be considered a tomboy or a girly-girl. I'm somewhere in between. But there are times when I want to wear a dress, feel pretty, and not care about anything else. But most of my dresses have become too small for me, and apart from the one dress that shrunk for my mom, all I have left is formal stuff that I'm not allowed to wear except on special occasions that never happen. I want to wear a ballgown. Wear one and dance for a long time. Not care about anything for a while.

I want to be myself, but I don't even know who I am. I've been hiding behind this mask of mine for too long, and now I don't even know. I don't know if I ever will know who I am. Maybe someday when I finally get out of this house and away from everyone else. Away from the family that's falling apart anyways. I don't know what I'd do without them, but I need to get away from them. I hate living the way I am now.

Sometimes I feel like everyone hates me, even though I know it isn't true. Sometimes I hate everyone without knowing why. I don't know why. I'm not sure I want to know. Sometimes I wonder how everything would be if I never were born. Or how some things would be if they were different. Sometimes I wish harder than I ever have before for something I can't put into words because I don't know what I'm wishing for. I don't know what I want, I don't know what I have. I don't really know anything.

I feel lost. I don't know what to do with myself, I don't know where to go, I don't know anything. I have no way of bringing myself back to wherever I used to be when I was still happy and ignorant about a lot of things. I don't know what lies ahead of me, and I don't know what waits for me at the end of my journey. I don't know if anything is worth any effort, or if anything is worth it. I can't tell the difference between them. I feel like there's something that I'm missing, something that once I have it will make everything complete for me. Something that will put the random puzzle pieces I've been collecting for years now together to make an actual picture instead of the jumbled picture I've made them to look like so far. But I don't know how to look for something I don't know the name for. I feel like I'll be searching forever for something I'll never find. And even if I do find it, I'm not sure I want to know what the picture will be. I don't know if I'll prefer living like how I am now. And I don't know if I'll ever want to know.