Feeling useless

I haven't been on here in a while. I could easily say that it's because I haven't had enough time to, but that's not the truth. It's just that I couldn't really think of anything to say that wasn't completely meaningless to my eyes.

So I'm here again today to try and change that. To try and talk about something that actually does seem like there is a purpose. And even though I have no current idea about what I'll end up talking about, hopefully it'll be interesting.

I feel useless. This isn't any of my sadness/depression talking, but rather the part of me that really looks at things and realizes the truth no matter how much I want to believe it or not. I'm not really doing much. I wake up every morning, do just about nothing until 11 or noon, which is usually when I turn on my computer, do some schoolwork, and then spend probably too much time playing on games.

I eat through the day, help out around the house when people ask me to, and on weekends I usually manage to get out somewhere in the afternoon or evening to help with the grocery shopping for the week. Otherwise apart from the occasional trip during the week when my mom decides to go out for whatever reason, I mostly stay shut up inside (I would love to go out and play in the snow with my little siblings, but my winter jacket is too small, as well as my snow pants and boots)

But most of my free time is spent playing games. I would actually be more fine with playing Second Life most of the day if I could make some money out of it, but I really don't like building in the game, I have no idea how to use Blender (though I'm trying to work on that...with a lot of procrastinating) and I suck at using Gimp because I'm too used to drawing traditionally with pencils and other things. I could make some sort of profit if I changed and actually made an effort to learn how to do stuff properly, but there's also a part of me that refuses to change.

I know that I do help around the house a lot (despite whatever my family may say at times) and I shouldn't really feel useless, but that's really only because it's required of me because I'm living here. And I probably could do a number of other things that I'm capable of doing, but I never feel like doing any of them. Now that might really be the sadness/depression talking.

Anyways, I know that I should probably change myself somehow, even if it's a small thing, but I can't bring myself to do so. Not yet, at least. One day I'll probably change, and for a while have things move really fast for me and remember how I am right now and wonder how I ever was like that. That's how it feels like for me when I remember how I was a few years ago, and a little kid, and so on at least.

But for now, even though I don't really think I'm happy or anything, that just seems like something that's just out of my reach. I'll work my way there eventually. And when I finally do, I get the feeling that I'll be a lot happier.


I'm not sure how much of this will make sense to anyone reading this, or if it will ever be relevant, but I know that it helped me a little bit. I'm not entirely sure how, but I feel like it did. Maybe because I'm admitting something about myself that I normally wouldn't. Who can say?