Problems

Jeez, where did August go?

I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow. The first one in...I think 3 years. That's when I last remember going to get shots (which weren't nearly as bad as childhood memories made them out to be, gotta say that) I've gotta try seeing if I can talk to the doctor because I'm pretty positive I have some form of depression, but chances are that I won't because 1) my mom will probably be in there as well, if not my younger brother as well (I honestly have no idea, but I really do hope that I'm alone...) 2) I hate talking to people, like I really can't talk to people even if I want to, and 3) It'll be pretty embarrassing, not to mention annoying, if I do have depression and they tell my mom. I mean, it's not like she'll really try doing anything to make me feel better.

A sad, but probably true, fact would be that I think that most of my family members have some sort of problem.

 My mom is constantly stressed out (and as a result, pretty pissed off the majority of the time) and complains and all that, which is sort of understandable considering she has to take care of six rather troublesome kids.

My older sister has a bunch of issues (most notably anger issues, but I think she's got some sort of depression too, and it definitely doesn't help that basically everyone wants her to move out and our dad's side of the family is trying to force choices for her...)

I am myself, and while I don't post nearly enough here anymore, I'm pretty sure that I'm screwed up in more than one way (you know, kind of like how pretty people think that they're ugly even though they're not...by the way, I have no idea if I've said this before or not, but I have no problems with how I look...)

My little brother is almost certainly mildly autistic (not only does my mom think that, but the school thinks so too, and I think there was some talk about a doctor too, but I wasn't really paying much attention to that) and he's pretty angry for a kid of his age (which is currently 8)

My little sister, while she is adorable and all, is a spoiled brat and also does (in my eyes, at least) have slight anger issues. It might just be because she's spoiled no matter what my mother says (yes, us older kids have had more birthday parties than they did, but we also had to eat sandwiches for most of our life while they get tv dinners and all sorts of variety and more candy than we ever did. And not to mention electronics. This computer isn't even fully mine anymore with how often my little siblings borrow it to play Minecraft)

The only people I can really exclude from this would be my dad and other two brothers, and mostly because I just don't really interact with them all that much. I mean, my dad is gone during the week, my younger brother sits in the basement (or living room) ignoring everyone and playing games virtually the entire time, and even though my older brother comes out quite a lot and I listen to him talk, I'm not convinced that he doesn't have some sort of problem too.


It always makes me sad writing things like this. But it makes me feel worse when I just keep it cooped up inside of me. I know that they're just my perspective and probably different from anyone else would see, but...I don't know. That's what makes me, me, I guess.

I feel like I'm in a cage. One that always seems to grow smaller the more negative things happen in my life. And I can't do much to change that. I want to, but most of the time when I say "I want..." I never really expect anything to happen because of it because unless I'm paying for something myself and I'm fully motivated in that instant to do whatever, no one else will do it for me. And I don't feel motivated at all most of the time to do anything. Saying "I want..." is just me expressing a momentary wish most of the time. Or one that I'll never expect to some true anyways.

Music has always been my escape, but even that bit of comfort is slowly fading. So I turn to my imagination in the hopes that it will give me something better (strange thing is, most of the time I end up imagining myself in a completely depressing situation and still manage to feel better)

I'm not sure what else to put here. So I guess I'll just end it here.